because we have your pants ([info]sara_wolf) wrote in [info]house_mst,
Warnings: Mpreg, and something so terrifying that no words can describe it. Also, while I don't normally advocate drinking, you might want to have one handy. 

Chapter Three

Cuddy said “Well if you are married you cant be in the same department so Forman is out as cancer head doctor and KayLee you can have that job.”

Foreman: As much as I'm sure Wilson's ex-patients were tired of me as their doctor, what makes the Sue more qualified than me?

Cameron: Blond hair, green eyes, perfect body, House's one true love. Haven't you been paying attention to the rest of the story?

KayLee said OK and House didn’t care because the office is right next door so he can see her almost all the time anyway. Maybe he will put a window in the conference room so he can look into her office all the time.

Wilson: You're going to put a window in a glass-walled office?

They got married at a very pretty church in New Jersey. All their friends were there (like 200) and House’s mom and dad and brother and all his cousins, but KayLee’s family wasn’t there.

Wilson: Since when do you have a brother?

House: The same place I got two hundred friends, apparently.

She wanted Chase to walk her down the isle.

Chase: I'll walk her down the isle. And then I'll drop her off the end of the dock to let her drown.

So House said “Where is your dad”? But he couldn’t see KayLee before the wedding so they had to talk on cell phones. KayLee said “My dad and mom don’t love me anymore” and then she cried alittle but House said “Oh baby don’t cry I love you and I’m going to be your family now. You only need me”.

Foreman: Isn't isolation one of the signs of an abusive relationship?

KayLee said “Oh your right sweetie. Go on so we can get married”.

Then they were married and had their party in the fanciest hotel with big crystal chandeliers. KayLee’s dress was pure white with little white pearls and lots of ruffle and bows. Her hair was shiny and bouncy on her shoulders and she looked more like an angel then ever. House couldn’t stop staring at her when he wasn’t kissing her cheek or dancing with her every dance real slow.

House: Bum leg. No dancing.

Chase and Cameron got engaged too and Forman and Cuddy did too even though he was black.

Foreman: *steam pours from ears*

House: Would you people stop trying to torch the hospital?

After the party they got in their big white limo to go to their honeymoon. House said “Do you want some champagne”? and KayLee said “Just one glass on this perfect night”. The bubbles were fuzzy and House was a little drunk when they got to their honeymoon hotel but he still carried her upstairs to their room. Which was almost a suite with its own refrigerator and everything.

House: Bum. Leg.

Wilson: Apparently KayLee's love regenerated the muscle you lost.

Then they kissed for a long time which was OK because they were man and wife and then he had knowledge of her.

Chase: Okay, even the most devout Catholics call it sex.

KayLee cried because its scary for a girl her first time

Cameron: Wimp.

but he held her close and kissed her tears away and said “Its ok we’re married now. And think if everything works out right maybe we just made our first baby! I hope so because you’re going to be a great mommy”.

Foreman: Sue Spawn! Make it go away!

KayLee said “Oh Gregg, you will be a great daddy for our children I hope I’m pregnant right now”. Then they hugged more. Then KayLee said “But I have something to tell you and please don’t be mad”. House said “I could never be mad at you, you are my perfect darling”.

House: I'm giving myself a cavity.

KayLee cried a little more just beautiful small tears and then she said “Gregg I have a terrible secret. But God has forgiven me and I hope you do too because you are my sole mate. You see I was a sinner before but threw the love of our Lord I became changed”.

House said “KayLee darling we are all sinners”.

KayLee said “But I had a special shame which was I used to be a man. (A/N !) And not only a man but a terrible jerk of a man who hurt you so much. I’m so sorry baby.”

Wilson: I never thought it would be possible to pervert slash like this.

Chase: *twitch*

House: You owe me ten hours.

House said “KayLee, what are you saying. You are gorgeous woman you can’t be a man.” KayLee said “I was a man but not any more. Jesus’s love showed me what I had to do to be pure and clean so I had surgery to take away my evil man parts and become the woman you could love. I used to be that jerk James Wilson but now I am my true self Mrs. KayLee House. Your love and the Lord’s have made me sweet and womanly just as I should be”.

*crickets chirp as everyone stares at Wilson*
Wilson: *headdesk*

House: But I like your evil man parts.

House was surprised. How could his perfect KayLee ever have been that jerk. He said “Your Jewish!”

House: I seem awfully accepting about this. Did you slip a mickey in my champagne?

KayLee said “Well I was but not anymore I took Jesus Christ into my heart and now I am a new woman and we can be together for always.”

House said “Oh baby that’s so great to have Him as your personal Savior. I just know He’s going to bless us with lots of babies and love for ever.” They kissed a lot again and went to sleep and in the morning even in the daylight he had knowledge of her again.

House: I demand that you give that poor woman you robbed her reproductive system back.

And nine months exactly later House and KayLee’s twin girls Alexandria and Kaygreg are born. KayLee quits her doctor job to stay home with them like every decent mother does and then one year later Gregg Jr is born and after that Melodee and baby Caden (boy). Everyday House feels so blessed that he has perfect children and a perfect wife. That jerk Wilson is still gone and dead forever - transformed by the power of Christ in to House’s true love, his beautiful angel Mrs. KayLee House.

Cameron: Kaygreg? What the hell kind of name is Kaygreg?

Chase: No remarks about the decent mother comment?

Cameron: I'm watching my blood pressure.

GHMDGHMDGHMDGHMD

A LOT LATER (A/N I don’t know if this part is called prolog or antilog or what)

Your one granddaughter’s graduation from medical school is real nice. (Your KayLee) She majored in diagnostition just like her Grandpappy and he is so proud of her.

House: No one calls me grandpappy and lives.

At the dance that night, Gregg sambas with you so fun

Everyone: NO DANCING!

(A/N Just like Hugh Lauire did in that Girl in Rio movie. He was so cute in that in the parts I saw and my dance teacher said his dance was real professional-like too) he dips you deep and kisses you and says “My sweet lady I love you so much” and you think how your life is so perfect and will be forever. The End.

Foreman: Your life's a freakin' fairy tale.

I hope you like! Read & Review or else! And no being mean like sometimes people do. I tried very hard.

Wilson: I'd hate to see what her writing's like when she's not trying.

A/N 2, The girl who helped me with spelling said Wilson’s eyes are brown so how can KayLee be him. Well duh in the surgery they changed the color to the prettier color green and also changed his hair color to blond. Also I forgot to put that KayLee is tall but House loves her anyway.

Chase: They're called contacts, author-person.

Cameron: And hair dye. Surgery can't change either of those things.

Foreman: So, the author insulted how many groups in the space of the story?

Wilson: Gays, blacks, Jews, working mothers, and tall people.

House: Amnesty International's going to have a field day with this one.


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  • 117 comments
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[info]haldane

September 30 2006, 01:51:47 UTC 5 years ago

Please, please, tell me this is a troll writing... *head explodes*

I am devoutly grateful that I only met this in the MST version. I don't know how you managed it. *shudder*

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 01:58:36 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]enlee

September 30 2006, 01:58:01 UTC 5 years ago

THis fic is not as bad as I thought. It's even worse. Un-freakin-believable. Wilson takes to Jesus into his heart and became a woman? Please excuse me for a moment...HahahahHAHAhahahaha!!! And Pod!House didn't mind his best friend morphing into this nauseating Mary Sue. Why do I get the feeling that KayLee is the author's real first name?

It's so nice that Cuddy and Foreman can be married even though he is black. Someone go tell Heidi Klum. *headdesk*

KayLee quits her doctor job to stay home with them like every decent mother does

My sister is a working mom. I better not show her this...her head might explode.

Great MST. Good riddance to this trash.

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 02:01:19 UTC 5 years ago

When I first read the gender change, my first thought was, "She wrote slash!"

Thanks for reading.

[info]sara_wolf

5 years ago

[info]sara_wolf

5 years ago

[info]gandolforf

September 30 2006, 02:02:00 UTC 5 years ago

LOL WHAT

<:3D~

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 02:02:35 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]azn_pride06

September 30 2006, 02:35:47 UTC 5 years ago

OMFG that's just very scary, good on you for taking this ghastly fic on to mock it.
The surprise was just awful come on, Wilson turns into a woman and suddenly becomes Christian just because House didn't love him when he was a man also the 'evil man parts' well dear those evil man parts help us to reproduce therefore populating the world. What is wrong with these people!!??

And not to mention the discrimination shown in this dreck of a fic, just absolutely disgusting the author should have been shot and shot again until there is nothing left except an arm stump.

I wonder if the fic was written by a 12 year old girl in need of some help and therapy.

Guess we'll never know?

Good work! lots of laughs were had, keyboards replaced and monitors wiped

i'll stop ranting now

P.S Love your icon Alan Rickman is SUPER!! <3

P.P.S Can i friend? i'm so lonely...

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 04:14:52 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading, glad you liked it, and please do friend. I'm lonely, too.

[info]toolazytowork

September 30 2006, 02:41:22 UTC 5 years ago

This...thing, is so wrong.
I'm thinking this will make a great off-Lower Broadway (i.e. Nashville) production. A story this-unique-needs to get an audience somewhere it can truly be appreciated. The mid-South Bible belt is just the place.
After reading this abomination twice I'm giving up on sobriety. Someone pass me a nice voddie. I think I'll start smoking again, too.
Our Lord and Savior won't hold it against me.

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 04:15:53 UTC 5 years ago

Would you like that vodka straight or on the rocks?

Thanks for reading.

[info]brynnamorgan

September 30 2006, 03:25:57 UTC 5 years ago

Your MST had me rolling. Thank the Goddess, cause this fic was. the worst. EVAH.

She kinda reminds me of the mother in "Carrie."

My icon sez it all with this warped kid's perspective.

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 04:17:37 UTC 5 years ago

I <3 your icon. Although, Little Miss Catholic Author would probably suffer her own cardiac infarction.

Thanks for reading.

[info]moondustwolf

September 30 2006, 03:43:48 UTC 5 years ago

The fic = OW.

Your MST wins at life, though.

*crickets chirp as everyone stares at Wilson*
Wilson: *headdesk*
House: But I like your evil man parts.


Yay! ^_^

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 04:18:11 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

[info]diysheep

September 30 2006, 04:33:05 UTC 5 years ago

Kaygregg?

I refuse to believe this one is true either. No... mumbles to self... no.. House is a fun show I watch in the wee hours of the morning after my computer has done its magic. It involves medical drama and lots of overacting and balconies - it does not involve perverted Southern Baptists, really disturbing discussions about sex and sex changed oncologists. David Shore would weep.

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 04:40:26 UTC 5 years ago

Or worse. He'd find himself inspired.

Thanks for reading.

Anonymous

September 30 2006, 04:39:20 UTC 5 years ago

Cuddy said “Well if you are married you cant be in the same department so Forman is out as cancer head doctor and KayLee you can have that job.”

I'm choosing to believe that this means Cuddy knew the truth!
I also choose to believe that this fic was written as a joke, because otherwise I will go insane. You are a strong person to come through this with your sanity intact, and I salute you.
A sex change AND mpreg. Anti-Semitism, sexism and racism. Mary Sueism. I didn't think anything could be worse than cancer germs, but here it is.

[info]sara_wolf

September 30 2006, 04:44:46 UTC 5 years ago

It's amazing how ignorant kids are these days, regarding tolerance and acceptance of others.

Thanks for reading.

[info]drunken_kurage

September 30 2006, 04:59:02 UTC 5 years ago

*crickets chirp as everyone stares at Wilson*
Wilson: *headdesk*
House: But I like your evil man parts.


Yes, we all like his evil man parts. For the love of Krishna, why would someone write this?

House was surprised. How could his perfect KayLee ever have been that jerk. He said “Your Jewish!”

The only good part of the fic. Nevermind the sex change and the fact that he's now married to and having sex with a man...But he/she's Jewish!

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:18:30 UTC 5 years ago

I couldn't resist the 'evil man parts' line. It just begged to be written.

Thanks for reading.

[info]dominik

September 30 2006, 07:04:00 UTC 5 years ago

Dear sara_wolf, I'm hoping you're not in a coma or having a seizure at this point. This "fic" is potentially brain-damaging and only *just* readable with the great MST! I'm still not sure that author didn't just pull a big prank on the fandom. Because if it's not, I'm worried about the mental sanity of the kiddies these days.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:19:43 UTC 5 years ago

I'm not so sure it was a joke, considering the plea for readers to not be mean.

Thanks for reading.

[info]puddleduck3

September 30 2006, 10:08:54 UTC 5 years ago

KAYGREG!

Best. Spawn. Name. Ever.

I can't even comment on the hideousness that is the rest of this fic. Just...Kaygreg.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:22:22 UTC 5 years ago

Sounds like a sequel: The Adventures of Kaygreg House, MD.

Thanks for reading.

[info]mercaque

September 30 2006, 12:00:16 UTC 5 years ago

Well, this story continues to be completely un-frickin-believable!! I feel the need to a) go take a shower and b) donate my next paycheck to Hillel and the NAACP.

Really hilarious work, just too much funny stuff to quote, but House liking Wilson's evil man parts and isolation being part of an abusive relationship... LOL!

My god. I mean, I MSTed a story about brain cancer germs, but that's looking like [i]The Brothers Karamazov[/i] compared to this story. Your fortitude amazes me.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:22:52 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]vamp2puppy

September 30 2006, 12:04:36 UTC 5 years ago

Chase: I'll walk her down the isle. And then I'll drop her off the end of the dock to let her drown.

I wish someone had done this to the author after the first chapter.
Great MST and congratulations for surviving to the end.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:23:14 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]one_the_larch

September 30 2006, 13:51:35 UTC 5 years ago

I don't believe this could be real. It just isn't.

Still A+

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:23:39 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]dollrock

September 30 2006, 14:20:39 UTC 5 years ago

My brain is dead.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:24:10 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]timbershiver

September 30 2006, 15:02:50 UTC 5 years ago

Oh god, Sara, you deserve a medal or something for tackling this.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:24:34 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

Anonymous

September 30 2006, 15:55:20 UTC 5 years ago

*sporfle* Orange juice! EVERYWHERE!

Let me see if I got this straight:

House was pissed with Wilson because he kept from House that the patient was cured, and rather than handle the situation like an adult Wilson formed a cunning plan to trick House into thinking that he left for Florida, while what he really did was go away to get a sex change operation. At about the same time he somehow conveniently contracted the Mary Sue virus that makes your eyes change colors (when your eyes turn sapphire green it's definitely time to get them checked out). Then s/he comes back, tricks House into marrying him/her after three dates, then confesses about the bad, bad thing s/he did. And for some reason House it okay with this and doesn't kick his/her ass, because Wilson took Jesus into his heart, and they live happily ever after.

Huh.

It was an unexpected twist, I'll give them that...

I call troll. No one this stupid would be able to stay alive long enough to learn how to use a computer. Please?

[info]deelaundry

September 30 2006, 22:02:24 UTC 5 years ago

One point missing from your summary: As a male-to-female transgendered person, Wilson/KayLee got pregnant. Four times. Yeah.

[info]deelaundry

5 years ago

Anonymous

5 years ago

[info]sara_wolf

5 years ago

[info]sushigal007

September 30 2006, 16:28:19 UTC 5 years ago

Can you post a link to this story? I desperatly want to see what else they've written.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:26:06 UTC 5 years ago

The author took it down, and there are no other stories on her profile.

[info]sara_wolf

5 years ago

[info]st_jb

September 30 2006, 16:29:17 UTC 5 years ago

Thank you SO much. I just finished cleaning my keyboard, and now my brain has exploded all over it! ;-)

Great MST, but now I must go soak my head in a bucket of bleach...

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:26:47 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]karios

September 30 2006, 16:59:58 UTC 5 years ago

A++, but...

*cries*

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:27:05 UTC 5 years ago

Re: A++, but...

Thanks for reading. I love your icon.

[info]fruhlings

September 30 2006, 17:50:47 UTC 5 years ago

SWEET JESUS :O

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:27:24 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.

[info]catchester

September 30 2006, 20:12:57 UTC 5 years ago

That is just... The best thing i've read in ages (Before you go getting the men in white coats, i mean thanks to the MST treatment)

I do just have to MST one line in there myself. Hope you don't mind.

A LOT LATER (A/N I don’t know if this part is called prolog or antilog or what)

House: It's an Epilogue.
Foreman: Sod that, we need an epidural!
Wilson: No she'd still be awake. What we need is a subdural.
Cameron: As in haematoma?
Wilson: *Nods*


[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:28:25 UTC 5 years ago

I love your addition. And I would never send the rubber wagon after a fellow MSTer.

Thanks for reading.

[info]aguynamedgoo

September 30 2006, 20:37:30 UTC 5 years ago

Hoe. Lee. SHIT.

I am definitely calling troll here. I am going to go all fic!Cameron and slit my wrists if you try to tell me otherwise.

Although if this is for real, have a PSA:

Parents, please, please remember to hide the inhalants from your kids. See this as a cautionary tale. They will never get those brain cells back, and will become a burden unto you for the rest of your life otherwise. Thank you.

Anyway, wonderful MST. What was amusing is my friend who read the fic unMSTed said the same comment that you did at one point, only from Wilson's perspective (where House said "I like your evil man parts".)

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:29:13 UTC 5 years ago

Great PSA.

Thanks for reading.

[info]deelaundry

September 30 2006, 22:15:34 UTC 5 years ago

Reiterating: troll. Funny MST. I especially liked your "evil man parts" line and this carry-over from Part 2:

Chase: *twitch*
House: You owe me ten hours.


but my fave was the closing line:

House: Amnesty International's going to have a field day with this one.

[info]sara_wolf

October 1 2006, 02:29:38 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for reading.
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