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16 May 2013 @ 11:23 pm
Chase Hates Fat People, Chapter 3  
In which Wilson wants to bang Cameron and Chase is just an asshole.

House: Well, so we’re back. And we begin today with some more uncited song lyrics. Whose song are they from? Who knows?

Wilson: Do you think they’ll sue?

House: Maybe. But this isn’t Law & Order MST so who cares.

I am yours if you want it
I could be yours to spend your life with
We'll hide indoors, petrified of the world


Chase felt rather guilty about how he had treated Cameron the night before. He knew that he should have been more sensitive to her sudden concern of her weight.

Cameron: Yeah, he should have been. Asshole.

Of course when he thought logically he knew that a couple cheeseburgers every once and a while would not hurt her.

Chase: What if she’s allergic to cheeseburgers?

Cameron: Then I probably wouldn’t be eating one.

Cameron was perfect the way she was so he saw no problem. Maybe she could stand to gain some weight, for the sake of being able to carry a child, because problems like those could help in the demise of a child.

House: I would really like to know where the hell this person learned to write these awkward-ass sentences. “Would help in the demise of the child”? The fuck?

Not for one second though did he believe that it was the main cause.

House: Of course not. *rolls his eyes*

He could tell that what House had said was weighing on her mind

Wilson: No pun intended?

the whole night. She was tossing in turning in bed

Cameron: Turning, turning, turning through the years… Or turning through the bad grammar…

and seemed to be having a nightmare. At one point he woke her up because she was swatting at an invisible enemy and hit him instead.

Cameron: No, Chase, I just wanted to smack you and needed an excuse.

"Allison, it's okay," He said softly. She didn't open her eyes but seemed to relax at the sound of his voice. She still whimpered something that sound like the words 'don't hurt'. "Shhh... nobody's going to hurt you. I'm here."

Chase: I won’t let you eat that Big Mac! Everything is all right!

The next morning Cameron hadn't remembered anything. Not the nightmare and not the comforting Chase provided in the middle of the night.
At seven in the morning Cameron got out of bed, leaving her boyfriend to a better sleep,

Cameron: After what he said earlier, I think the best sleep would be one he didn’t wake up from.

and made herself scrambled eggs, toast, and a large glass of milk. She made more than she knew she could eat but she had to gain weight.

Wilson: Mmmmph. Scrambled eggs.

House: Wilson, go make me scrambled eggs.

Wilson: Make your own, House. You took a cooking class.

It had been on her mind ever since last night. Chase didn't stop her from ravaging the cupboards for anything she might find appetizing.

Chase: Except for my Salted Nut Rolls. That shit is mine.

Cameron ended up eating three peaches, a handful of grapes, two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and for desert a caramel covered apple.

Cameron: This story brought to you by food. Food. Nom nom nom.

I won't screw up this time. I will have a kid the healthy way. If that means gaining a little weight I will deal with it.
And Chase will have to deal with it too, She thought as she began to eat.

Cameron: Or I will go I Spit On Your Grave on his ass.

Twenty minutes later Chase got up to see Cameron pouring herself another glass of milk. "Good morning," He said. "Can you get me a glass of that?"

Cameron: Get your own, fucker. I’m not your slave.

The morning went on without much conversation. Cameron wanted to say that she was going to gain some weight and then they can try to have a kid again but somehow the quiet in the apartment was nice.

House: Cameron? Quiet?

Chase knew what was on her mind but for him also he enjoyed the peace.

Cameron: Well, maybe if you weren’t a complete asshole…

Chase: Yeah well… you’re fat!

There was no way to avoid the conversation but both of them did not feel emotionally stable enough to handle it. They were exhausted from the prior day's conversations so, unknown to them, they were silently agreeing to a truce; Atleast for now.

House: A truce? That’s no damn fun. I hate when there’s truces. There will be none in my hospital!


"Eight year old male. Presents with a fever, hives on his feet, and with a slightly elevated blood count. Ideas?" said House.

Chase: Stepped on a beehive.

"Malaria would be most likely," said Foreman.
"The doctors before already said it was negative," House said.

Chase: Don’t be negative about it… it’s just malaria.

"We should try to rule out schistosomiasis," Foreman suggested after a silence.

Cameron: What even is that? I mean, I know, but I’m pretty sure the author doesn’t.

"Good try but I don't think he's been swimming in Vietnam lately."
"Didn't you read the file?"
"Is this a rhetorical question?"
"He's adopted from Vietnam," Foreman reminded.

Foreman: I’m going to assume that this was preceded by this kid actually being Asian. I mean, I guess there could be white children in Vietnam, but that would be a little more rare. Either that, or I’m just talking out of my ass.

"While this is all good and interesting I'd rather have more ideas. Particularly from a certain Dr. Chase and Dr. Cameron," House looked to the couple who jumped to life when he called their names. "Welcome back to reality."

House: Or just Reality TV. Shut up, Wilson, The Bachelorette is on.

Taub: *pops up* I prefer The Swan.

After a short glance at the patient's folder Cameron spoke up. "We should check what he's been eating. Raw food is a festering place for types of worms."

Cameron: This part of the fic is… less brought to you by food.

Chase: Non non non instead of nom nom nom.

"I need a type of worm, not types. Narrow them down," said House. "Go check for schistosomiasis and ask the kid what food he's been eating in his hometown. Make a list so I can make sure I steer clear of it."

Cameron: Wouldn’t you ask the parents? Why are we interviewing an 8 year old? These kids can barely remember what they were supposed to do for homework. And “in his hometown”? As opposed to on the moon?

House: I usually eat food in Uranus. *nudges Wilson*

Wilson: House, no. That’s a fetish. That I don’t have.

The three got up and went out but House called Cameron to come back for a minute. She did so and put on her best poker fast she could muster.
"Are you going to apologize for yesterday?" She questioned bluntly.

Cameron: Was that even all that blunt? “Hey, fuck you, asshole.” Now that would be blunt.

Wilson: Smoking a joint would be blunt.

"I wanted to tell you that while what I said is a possibility, I don't think your baby was healthy itself. There were too many things wrong with her to tell any definite cause. Her lungs were underdeveloped, her skin was as thin as paper, and her heart was weak at best . . . it wasn't all you.

House: Your baby sucks!

"Let me re-phrase myself. I think you should gain some weight. It'd be healthier for you and the baby just so your body doesn't go under the same stress it did prior."

House: Again, we have dialogue that sounds nothing like how I speak.

Cameron nodded. She bit her lower lip and said, "I guess . . . I have to start all over again."

Chase: Back to the baby drawing board.

"You should," House said sounding genuine. "Don't let one mistake ruin your life."
"Sounds hypocritical coming from you but alright."

Cameron: Hurr hurr. And this was before he drove the car into Cuddy’s house.

House: But I did give her the hairbrush back.

"Go eat yourself into a double chin and some love handles," He insisted and went into his office.

Cameron: This chapter brought to you by food again. Food without worms.

House: Or worse, half a worm.

At lunch Chase figured it would be a better time than any to ask about Cameron's short conversation with House. He certainly couldn't have said anything awful - Cameron seemed to be functioning just fine - but he couldn't imagine an apology come out of that man's mouth either.

Wilson: A lot of things have come out of that man’s mouth.

House: Is that a statement or an invitation?

Cameron sat down at a table with two man sandwiches saying, "I'm going to see a nutritionally oriented physician tomorrow."

Cameron: What are “man sandwiches”? Is that like a Manwich?

"Your argument, while sounding over-the-top, had some truth in it," she admitted. "If I'm going to become pregnant again I want to do it the right way, which isn't stuffing my face with food."
Chase smiled. "I'm glad."

Chase: Yeah, I’m glad I’m not going to have to call you Pudgy McFatAss.

Cameron: *kicks him in the nuts*

"Oh, and I want to think of a new girl name."
"Cecelia was a beautiful name."

Chase: Yeah, let’s name her after our dead kid. That isn’t weird at all.

She nodded and tapped Chase's wandering hand away from her sandwich. "It was buried with Cecelia, of course, so we need to think of another one."
"I'll think about it but I want to know what House said to your earlier," Chase jumped to the question weighing heavily on his mind. "An apology?"
"Yeah, right. The end of human civilization isn't that close yet," answered Cameron. She tore her food in half and gave one of the halves to Chase since he found his burger as satisfying as cardboard. "He clarified on what he meant . . . he said we should try again after I get my body thicker."

Cameron: “Thicker”? Is that how we phrase it now?

Chase: When you’re thick… as a brick…

Cameron: Your sperm’s in the gutter, your love’s in the sink…

"You're just small is all. You say it like a bad thing," He huffed.

Chase: Now, if we had reversed which of the two of us was saying that…

"I want to cover all of the bases this time," Cameron said, determined. "I can't handle another loss . . ."
Chase reached over and held her hand gently in his to comfort her.
"Just imagine a little piece of us running around, hm?"

Cameron: That is the least adorable way to describe a baby, ever.

A smile appeared on her face at the thought. "You get diaper duty though."
"Than you get to potty train him," She shot back. "Or her."
"I hope it's a girl," Chase said wistfully.

Chase: So I can make her feel horrible about herself if she’s fat.

"Boys are a pain to raise. My parents would have agreed," Chase said with a laugh.

House: Chase, did your parents even bother to raise you at all?

"I used to draw on the wall with crayons. Like any other three year old, I couldn't reach the faucet, so I thought peeing on the drawings would wash it away just as good. I left it there 'cause it stunk and I didn't want to clean it up. I blamed it on the dog."

House: Not much has changed.

"Did it work?"
"It would have worked better if we had a dog," He mused. "First thing off the top of my head though."
Cameron laughed for a moment and then asked suddenly, as it popped into her head, "What was your mother's name?"
"Um, Janice. Any particular reason you need to know?"

House: My immediate thought is Janice Soprano.

Chase: BUT TONY!

"I think it would a great name to give our daughter," She said hoping it would come off as a compliment. Chase never told her much about his mother, since his mother died when he was a teenager. Cameron thought it could be an homage to her, of sorts.
Chase's smile immediately turned into a grimace. "You want to name her after an alcoholic?"

Cameron: Well, if it was a boy I was thinking I would either name him Jack Daniels or Jim Bean.

"I thought it would be nice to pay tribute to her is all. She was your mother, even if-"
"I'm sorry Allison. I'm still frustrated at the mention of her is all," He bitterly explained. "Maybe we can think of another name. I know she's my Mom but if we do have a daughter she will not be associated with a drunk."

Chase: Wow, why am I such a dick?

Cameron: That seems to be your M.O. in the fiction. Whatever the dickiest thing to say at any given moment is, you will say it.

Chase: Well, it’s an art.

"I wasn't trying to be demeaning-"
"I know, I know," He said hastily. "Just drop it okay?"

Chase: Drop it like it’s hot.

Cameron retreated and decided to talk about the nutritional doctor. I guess he's kind of touchy today, she thought.

Cameron: Hey Chase, why don’t I pour you a drink?

Cameron was in the lab checking the newest tox screens and wasn't expecting any visitors. It just so happened that Wilson came in.

Wilson: Well, I was on my way to the new bondage store to buy some handcuffs for myself and House…

"Hey Cameron," He said.

Cameron: I was really surprised at that, because my name was Thomas.

"Hi," She smiled back to him. After he didn't make any moves towards the table she asked, "Did you need to run some labs?"
"No," Wilson shook his head.
"Not that either," He shot that down too.

Wilson: I want to see your breasts.

Cameron: Well, okay. Since you asked nicely.

"Did House send you to tell me something?" She kept guessing.

Wilson: He told me to tell you to stop peeking through our windows when we do our kinky games. You’re not invited.

"I'm worried about you, is all," Wilson admitted. "I know what House said yesterday was out of line-"
"It wasn't."
"Right. So you were crying because you were happy?"

Cameron: It was just that the lap dance is always better when the stripper is crying.

House: I’ve actually never heard that song.

Cameron: Neither have I but for some reason Chase has that album.

House: I can get behind an album called Hooray for Boobies.

Cameron: You’re not getting behind my boobies though, House.

"He just said it the wrong way. He made things clear this morning so everyone can stop worrying about me."

House: This was an ad for CLEAR Internet.

Wilson tried to look her in the eye but she kept looking away. "I wanted to make sure you were doing okay besides that too."

Cameron: Oh, the dead kid? I’m doing just spectacular.

"Cecelia is gone . . . I can deal with that in time. It hurts a lot still but there will be a time when it won't hurt so much," Cameron said trying hold back any tears. "And a time when I'll tell my next child about his or her's older sister."

Wilson: I’m sure she will be glad to know about her’s older sister.

"That's the spirit," Wilson said. "Now if only your eyes didn't say the opposite."


"Wilson why are you even here?" She said exasperated. "We're not even that close."

Cameron: Burn.

"Yeah, I know, that's the tragic part. Thing is it's hard to get as close as I would like to with someone who isn't single."

Wilson: Am I really that pervy? I just said that?

House: Wilson, you dog.

Cameron paused for a moment to look at Wilson who also paused as he realized he had 'diarrhea of the mouth'. "Are you saying that you . . ."

Wilson: That’s one of those phrases that’s really horrible when you think about it literally.

Words were lost on Wilson as he tried to find the right things to say so he could back-track without making things worse.
She smiled. "You're attracted to me?"
"That's not what I wanted to say. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I'm not sure why that came out . . . just forget it."

Wilson: Forget that I want to wrap you in my arms, spank you, and lick whipped cream off of you.

House: While House watches.

Wilson: While House watches.

"Thank you," Cameron said before he could make a quick exit due to a fair amount of embarrassment. "And just so you know, if I wasn't with Chase, I would date you."

Cameron: Really? I think I’ve talked to Wilson like twice in canon.

House: But you masturbate about him every night. And Word just corrected my misspelling of “masturbate”, which is pretty cool of it.

Wilson gave a quick nod and headed out. I really should learn when to keep quiet. I could have just said that she was a good friend and I wanted to make sure she was alright but noooo . . .

Wilson: Then I just had to picture her naked. Goddamnit, why does this always happen? First Kutner, then Foreman… Now Cameron!

His thinking process was interrupted by House who chimed, "Went to check on the little princess to save her from the big, bad dragon? Or are you trying to play knight and hope she'll shine your sword for you?"

House: I’m a dragon? Bad ass.

Wilson scoffed at his metaphor. "You're insane."
"I saw how you exited out of there," House said as he followed his favorite oncologist. "You're embarrassed. Head hung low, cheeks a light tint of red, and you're looking rather nervous. One could say you spilled the proverbial beans."

House: That whole sentence sounded dirty and I’m not sure that it was meant to.

"Don't you have a soap to watch?"
"I think you, Chase, and Cameron are enough entertainment for now," He said. "But you've made me very curious. So you did say something to her and I don't think it was just a 'friend' type of thing."
As they stopped at House's office, the diagnostician added, "You know you can't escape this so get it over with. Tell me what is going on but can I get popcorn first?"

Cameron: Wait, where did I go? I distinctly think I never left the scene.

House: You vanished. It was magic. Abraca-character exit.

"Can we atleast do this in your office? I'm not about to let anyone else hear," Wilson said as he went into the office. "Just to make this clear, I'm in the middle of a divorce so I'm not looking for a relationship."

House: Oh, Wilson is always looking for a relationship. As long as it’s with someone damaged.

"Oh and you would go for her if you weren't legally married? I thought the whole 'she has a boyfriend' thing would be a turn-off but you are into affairs, now aren't you?"

Wilson: No, I would go for House. This has been established in many fanfictions and might as well have been established in canon.

"Oh shutup," Wilson said and decided to admit his attraction under the ever-accusing glare of his friend. "Of course I'm intrigued by Cameron. She's smart, obviously gorgeous, and she's nice, even to you! Chase is damn lucky to have her after you turned her down because you're obviously crazy. If she ever becomes single again-"

House: Oh she will. As soon as Chase kills the dictator. After he tells him that he’s a fatty-fatty-two-by-four.

House cut his finger across his throat to signal for him to stop talking.
House whistled innocently, replying, "I told you that my soaps aren't as interesting as this."
"Um . . ." He turned around to face Chase and Foreman, who had a surprised expression on his face. Chase had one of disbelief.

Chase: Wilson! How dare you pause banging House in order to try and bang my girlfriend? What is WRONG with you?? … By the way, I’m a firefighter now. With Kareem Said.

"Well just so you know she won't be single again," Chase snapped coldly.
"Chase just hear me out-"
"I think I heard all I needed to come to the conclusion that Allison doesn't need to be alone with you,"

Chase: Am I some symbol for the patriarchy in this fic, or something?

House: Or does he think you’re going to try and take advantage of Cameron in a non-con sort of way?

Wilson: Yeah, very not my style.

House: Well there were a few fics…

Wilson: We’re talking about normal-me, not Dark-Wilson-me.

He cut in becoming more frustrated by the second. "Did you hit on her already or do you need to clearance from her boyfriend first?"
"Not as of late," House jumped in. "Jimmy here is sticking to abstinence! Right?"

Wilson: I have a purity ring and everything.

"I'm sorry you heard that Chase. It's not what it seemed. Yes, Cameron is attractive, but I think it doesn't need to be said that I would never hit on her. She's happy with you."
"Why even say anything when you know she's going out with me? Or do you always discuss her with House like this?" He retorted.

Wilson: Well, there was that one time I said those pants made her butt look big.

House: In his defense, they really did.

"Chase, calm down. You're going to say something you'll regret," Foreman said seeing where this could lead to. His words fell on deaf ears though.
Foreman: I forgot I was even in this conversation… since when am I in this conversation?

House: Someone decided the conversation needed diversity.

"What? You think that in her moment of vulnerability that she'll cave in and sleep with you?"

Wilson: That was my plan exactly. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling Australian!

"No! That's not it at all!" Wilson finally raised his voice to get the Aussie's attention. "I'm not like that. I wouldn't barge into your relationship looking for a one night stand. It wouldn't be worth it."
"Does she know about this?" Chase asked him.
"Yeah. I kind of said it, in a roundabout way, and she didn't really say anything about it but made it obvious she was with you."

Wilson: Why am I even still talking about this with him right now?

House: You’re truly in love with Chase.

Wilson: Broke-House Mountain.

House: That seems like it should cue a rap from Alvie.

"Obviously because you two aren't making out in the janitor's closet right now," House jibed.
Wilson gave him a stern glare wishing that he hadn't let himself be dragged to House's office in the first place. He should have known that Chase would be somewhere nearby and hear them talking.

House: But that’s what you’re into, Wilson. You usually like it rough.

"Of course she's with me. She'd be out of her mind going out with someone who's been divorced three times and slept with a dying patient!" He shouted, hoping to offend and embarrass Wilson, but the other man tried to keep his cool.

House: Ooooh. Burn.

Wilson knew that Chase was using this situation to vent some much-needed ill feelings he probably kept inside for Cameron's sake. That made it much easier to take, since he knew Chase truly didn't mean it, but that didn't make his insults okay.

Wilson: He didn’t mean it. He’s really a sweetheart underneath.

"Don't blow this out of proportion. I am not going to take her away. Not even close."
"Good," Chase said sharply. "And we're not going to separate so don't get your hopes up."

Chase: Even though I’m a douchebag.

"You're jumping to conclusions about this, Chase. Maybe you're looking for someone to yell at because you're upset about Cecelia's death, and I understand that, but this isn't the time to do it."
Chase bit back his tongue, cursed under his breath, than marched out before he really did do something he would regret. The truth is always a bitter pill to swallow.

Chase: Except when it’s a placebo. Then it’s a sugar pill.

As he left Wilson let out a mile long sigh. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt a headache coming on. "Um, Foreman, sorry you had to hear that."

Foreman: I forgot that I was even here.

"Yeah . . . don't worry though. I won't say anything," He said with a nod.

Foreman: …about what you and House get up to in the Cath Lab.

Wilson made his exit and House rolled his eyes. "I guess it's time for a commercial so you can talk. Hurry up though, I don't want to miss the next scene."
"Chase, please calm down," said Cameron. She and Chase - who was currently between frustration and misery

Chase: Without you I will be… in Misery!

Cameron: Misery loves company…

Chase: And imprisoning authors in her basement.

- were in the outside eating area that was empty due to it being seven at night. "You're over-reacting to this. So what if he likes me? It doesn't matter."
"I'm sorry. I know you would never cheat on me-"
"Of course I wouldn't!" She said disgusted that he would even bring it up.

Chase: Why is she shocked at anything I do by this point, though?

"You're just feeling vulnerable. So am I. We're both devastated but I'm not going to crawl into another man's arms looking for something different. I want to be with you, Chase."
"Would you date him?" Chase asked suddenly.
Cameron refused to answer that. "Why does this matter so much to you?"

Chase: Because I’m really considering asking Wilson to be part of a threesome one day and I wanted to make sure that’d be cool with you.

After hearing the tone in her voice he knew she was demanding an answer. "I . . . don't know. I don't want competition, I guess."
"You don't have competition Chase," She said with a groan of aggravation. "I'm not going to leave you for anyone."

Cameron: Even though you’re an asshole.

"I'm sorry, Allison," Chase said finally letting himself relax. "I've been hard on everyone."

Chase: I’m just going to say “insert ‘hard’ pun here.”

"You have but it's because you're frustrated. We understand, to a point. Wilson didn't deserve to be yelled at," she said, trying to sound supportive.
"Right. I should apologize to Wilson . . . it's not his fault that he's attracted to you. Hell, I'm surprised that every guy isn't pining for you at this point."

Cameron: Every guy is, actually. It’s fanon.

Chase: “The girls they want him, the guys they wanna be… who’s that…” Girl?

Cameron chuckled. "The same could be said for you. The nurses are all jealous that I got to you first." She gave him a gentle kiss on the lips.

Foreman: Except for my ex, bitchy nurse Wendy.

"Can you promise me something though?" Chase asked.
"What is it?"
"If you ever think we need time apart you'll tell me?"
"I can promise you that will never come to fruition."

Chase: But it will come to Fruit of the Loom.

Chase let her lean on his chest and play with the collar of his shirt. "You don't think we need a break, right?" She asked although she was hesitant to do so.
"Of course not. I'm not stupid enough to leave one of the best things in my life."
"You're so cheesy," She laughed pulling away to look him in the eyes.


Chase's humor returned and he laughed with her.
Still a brittle part inside of Chase said that she could leave him. After loosing a child, how could she look at him and smile? Was there something inside her that hated him for not saving Cecelia?

Cameron: No, just for the fact that you’re a dick and a half.

Chase: In canon, I just HAVE a dick and a half.

Cameron: Yeah, thanks… No.

Why would she stay with someone who couldn't save their child?
The man was supposed to be the hero of the family. A strong, unbreakable figure in the home that could protect his household. Chase was no hero. Atleast not in his own eyes. Maybe Cameron thought that too but she was too much of a kind person to say it to him.
Came out of nowhere, right? That's what I was shooting for. NOW REVIEW.

House: You were shooting for it making no sense?

And NO this will not turn into a Cameron/Wilson fic. This is Cameron/Chase all the way but I never said there wouldn't be some threats to their relationship other than Cecelia's death . . .

Wilson: Oh, I was worried.

A/N: I deticate this chapter in the loving memory of Buddy. RIP 8-11-07. A caring, happy cat who loved the outdoors and eating grass. He lived a great twelve years under our roof and he will always be remembered.

Wilson: Okay, well, I can’t mock this. Cats are pretty cool. *pets Sara*

House: What will happen next week on, “What the Fuck is Chase’s Problem?” AKA “Chase Hates Fat People”.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Beatles - Misery
chocolate_frapp: Horsechocolate_frapp on May 17th, 2013 06:57 pm (UTC)
very funny MST!
yee gods this fic is awful. The author clearly doesn't know the difference between "and" and "in".
Mrs. Mercury: pic#112514812sydpenguinbunny on May 17th, 2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
I assure you, it only gets worse! Thanks for reading! !:)