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14 August 2015 @ 01:43 am
Chase Hates Fat People - The End!  
This is the end... my only friend...

Nothings wrong so long as you know that
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you're wondering when


House: Okay, well, this song I actually know. Was this the same song as all the other lyrics? Because I know this one.

Chase: I think now we all know this one. And now it’s stuck in all of our heads. It’s Nickleback, isn’t it?

House: Everything’s better with Nickleback.

Cameron: No, no it is not.

Chase: I feel like the next chapter will have Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down… This feels like the natural song lyric epigram progression.

"Here she comes, Miss America . . ." House sang softly as Chase clumsily made his way into the conference room.

House: Miss Australia?

"Shutup!" He snapped and sat down on the chair. He rubbed his leg, trying to think away the burning sensation under his skin, and in the back of his mind he wondered if it was the same pain House felt every day.

House: I’m glad that someone has stopped to think about me in all of this. I was afraid I was being forgotten.

Chase: Well the show does have your name in it.

Cameron sat down beside him a look of worry etched on her face. It had only been a couple of days and Chase was insisting that he come back to work. She thought it would be appropriate for him to rest just one more day but he wouldn't hear of it.

Chase: I need to get back in the plot! This plot doesn’t run without me!

House: Who are you again?

As they went through the rounds on their newest patient Chase found that he wasn't feeling as fresh as he thought he would be.

Cameron: Uh “I’m not as fresh as I could be” is what they say in douche commercials…

House: Well, in this case it fits…

His leg was throbbing as though the muscle itself had been obliterated entirely and was trying to sew itself anew. He would never judge House again on making stupid rash decisions when he was in serious pain. It was hard to put it aside and think of work.
As the three lackey's were sent off to do some tests House said, "Chase. You're with me. In my office."

House: The lackey’s what?

Chase: The latchkeys?

House: Are they my latchkey kids?

Cameron: No, you’re a helicopter parent. Definitely not one of those hippie parents who let the kids call them by their first name.

"I enjoy seeing you hop. Go on," House gestured to his office while sipping on his cup of coffee. "I promise I won't call you Little Bunny Foo-Foo if you just go in there."

House: Scoopin’ up the field mice and boppin’ ‘em on the head.

Chase: That song is strangely violent for children.

House: Hare today, goon tomorrow.

"I have work-"
"Are my conversations really that bad?" House interrupted. "Stop stalling and get into my office."

Chase: I don’t know, this came out to me like some cross between “Get in mah belly!” and “Get in my bed!” and both of them are kind of weird.

Chase gave up, and after an apologetic look from both Foreman and Cameron, he went into the office with his poker face on.

House: Can’t read my can’t read my…

Once again since they couldn't read eachother's faces it didn't set up a very nice mood to start a conversation with.
"What do you want?" Chase asked briskly.

House: While drinking a nice refreshing Brisk ice tea… trademark.

"First, genius, I wanted to point out that your crutches are too high," House said swiveling in his chair.
Chase glanced down at them and set them down a notch. He had to admit - non-verbally of course - that House had been right.
"Second, I wanted to give you something. It'll take me a moment to find it . . ." House said. He grabbed his bookbag from underneath his desk and started to look around inside the disheveled bag.

House: Is bookbag a regional thing? Do they say it in Jersey?

Chase: I believe they say it in Philadelphia.

House: But do we say it in Jersey though?

He pulled out a sizable figurine of Superman. When he handed it to Chase it would be an understatement to say that he was only confused.

House: Superman that OH!

Foreman: I’m just glad I wasn’t the one to be forced to make the Souljah Boy reference. That would have been rather racist.

"Er . . . this is beyond odd. Why would I want this?"
"Am I the only one that thinks your wife is pregnant with a son, or did you just miss the boat on why she got so big in the last few months?" House said knowing Chase would catch on.

House: Well, that’s kind of an inappropriate joke, considering the eating disorder theme in this story.

"Oh. Oh!" Chase finally did and added, "Thank you. It's not exactly a cuddle buddy for an infant but I'll make sure that he'll play with it when he's older."

Chase: Under pain of death.

"I've had that since I was seven," House gave a sudden explanation of it's existence. "My Mom gave it to me for my seventh birthday. I told her that I wanted Spiderman but she mistook me for Superman. I'm not sure how she did it but it happened. I still kept it though, Superman can jump over buildings and all, and it's in fine condition."

House: I’m surprised I don’t have a traumatic experience associated with this. There’s usually a traumatic experience.

Chase: I have all the traumas in this fic. There’s no room for yours.

"Then why would you give it to my kid? This thing could be worth a lot to a Superman junkie."
"Why not give it to your kid?" House shot back.

House: Kid can sell it on eBay and make a fortune. Pay for college.

"I'm not sure if I want to take it. It's from your childhood," said Chase hesitantly. "Are you positive?"
"No, I'm negative for HIV but thank you for asking," House said. When Chase let out a frustrated sigh he added, "If you don't walk out of here right now with it I'll have to engage in a cripple fight with you. And believe me, I've had more experience."

Chase: I… There was a lot in that exchange that I have a problem with. I don’t even really know where to begin.

"It'll be odd for a guy in crutches walking out with a superhero figurine."

Chase: ……Why?

"It's an image I've been wanting to see."
"Well, thanks. I'm sure he'll will love it."
"In exchange I ask to name the kid," House said avoiding saying 'You're welcome' at all cost. "How about after a famous brand name? How about Trojan? Or Swiffer? Wouldn't Nike be cool for a kids name?"

House: And that’s how Chase’s son became named ExLax Chase.

Chase: That sounds like someone drank ExLax with a beer chaser. I’m sure someone’s done that at a frat house somewhere.

With a smile Chase flipped the shades of the window to the hall closed on his way out to House's dismay.
"You're going soft, House. Admit it," Wilson probed him.

House: Well, and then things got slashy.

"Don't you have someone except your wife to sleep with?"
"I'm not berating you for doing it. I think it's a good step towards becoming humane."

Wilson: Wouldn’t I have said human?

House: That’s pretty harsh.

Wilson: I don’t know, humane seems worse. Like to not be humane is against the Geneva Convention, most likely.

"And you're reversing said step by annoying me. Now can you go do your job? I think I can hear a bald child down the hallway asking for pain meds."

House: It was actually the Bee Girl from Blind Melon.

Wilson: I wondered what happened to her.

"Lunch break," Wilson answered as they both waited for an elevator.

House: I hit the emergency stop button once we got in and… well that was a different fic actually but it ended nicely.

"Aren't you going to get them anything?" asked House.
"Of course I am," He said. "I wonder what they did with all of the things that we got them last time."
"I'm sure they'll multiply like rabbits. Soon enough there will be a girl in the family so they can use that stuff too," said House. "Are you going to get anything for the Mom?"

House: Now I’m picturing our entire cast as rabbits. Someone has done that in chibi form.

"Cameron? House, don't start-"
"Maybe some sensual chocolate and lotion?"

Wilson: Hopefully not chocolate lotion. That sounds hazardous.

The next sentence came out at just the wrong time. "You still have the hots for Cameron don't you?"
The doors were opened on the elevator and Cameron was standing there blushing quite a deep shade of red. Wilson began to do the same before he gave her a quick "Hello" and went towards the doors of the building to make another quick exit.

House: I just work really well as a matchmaker. Well helloooo Dolly.

"They say love can drive people to do crazy things," said House as Cameron joined him in the elevator. He didn't leave. "Maybe you can use that excuse and claim insanity when it's revealed you had sympathy sex with Wilson."

Wilson: Hey, I don’t need sympathy sex! I’m very good in bed.

House: Not last night you weren’t.

Wilson: You know what happens when I drink!

"I would never do that!" Cameron retorted, offended at the very idea.
"Of course you wouldn't. It was insanity!"

House: …I don’t get it.

"You're unbelievable."

Cameron: But I believed you, unforgivable, but I forgave you, insane what love can do that keeps me coming back to YOOOOU…

"I'm glad you think so. Does that mean I get some sympathy sex too?"
"I don't have that much sympathy in me," She said walking out of the elevator with him. "But I should thank you properly for giving Chase that figurine."

House: I’m thinking of fussili Jerry right now and it’s not giving me good mental images.

"You know that I'm going to have to give you both hell for doing something decent for once. Which is why I asked him if I could name your child. He said no so I'm hoping you'll say yes," House said once again trying to avoid the 'You're welcome'. "I'm stuck on naming him Mary Jane. Is that bad?"

House: I named your child after marijuana.

Chase: He’ll be a big hit at Tom Petty concerts.

"Do you want him to get beat up at recess?"
"You don't know the reference, do you goody-goody?" House asked.

Chase: It’s either weed, Spider Man, or both.

Cameron: Spider weed, Spider weed, does… I forgot what he does.

Cameron thought for a moment and said, "I hope you never have children for the sake of their self-esteem."

House: I’m going to name my first child Brick, and my second White.

She stopped for a moment and leaned on House for support. Her knee's buckled and she said, "Oh God! Contraction!"

Wilson: Goddamit House, you sent her into labor. Seriously?

"Wheelchair!" House called out and grabbed one from a nurse who was about to sit an elderly gentlemen in. He pulled Cameron back slowly so she could sit down. "How's the pain?"

Wilson: That poor old man.

House: Eh, he’ll live.

"Ow, ow, ow . . ."
"I take that as bad. Do you think you're going into labor?"

Cameron: Actually, I’m more of a Tory.

"No, no. False alarm. Just bad contractions," She said short of breath as the contraction released it's tormenting grip. Cameron stood up and let the nurse take the wheelchair back. "Sorry about that."

Cameron: I should have to name my kid after that old man now.

House: His name was Reginald.

"What are you apologizing for? You're pregnant and he's old. He's lived long enough," House told her as they slowly walked away. He didn't leave her until they were both sure that it was the only contraction she was going to have.

House: Whoa, harsh.
Cameron began to worry that maybe she would have the baby too soon again. Of course in the eighth month of pregnancy it was unlikely that the child would come out with something terribly wrong but she found that it was better to wait until nine months, right?

House: The kid is going to have two heads, actually. But generally, that’s considered better than one.

She couldn't force her body to do anything, and even if she was ecstatic at the idea of finally letting a child occupy the nursery, she wanted to remain pregnant until the ninth month. Then again wanting and having were two different things.

Cameron: Occupy Nursery! What do we want? Rattles! When do we want them? Now!

That night Cameron visited the nursery once again. It seemed dark and empty without the burst of life that it needed so much. Ashton would change that from the moment he arrived to his home. Then again, it was always a little girl would come, so she kept Isabella in mind.

Chase: Isabella dressed in yella went upstairs to kiss a fella?

After staring at Cecelia's pictures, silently asking for forgiveness once again, she placed the Superman figurine on the baby's yellow dresser. Cameron thought the more bright colors there were in the room the more the child's mind would expand to register all of the lively shades.

House: I just pictured this kid’s head exploding like in Scanners.

Cameron put the toy in different poses. It was odd how men, she began to think, compared themselves to the ability of a fictional hero. Not the super-powers but the might for fantastic rescues of saving loved one's; effortlessly finding ways through life's struggles and when the going got tough they fought back even harder.

Cuddy: Or, they have hallucinations in which they have sex with me.

Life wasn't like that. People don't always fight back. A lot would rather give up, and shake their heads, and blame the responsibility on somebody else. Cecelia's death was devastating but Cameron knew she and Chase did all they could. They weren't hero's.

Cameron: Yeah, Heroes is on a different network.

They were doctors trying to save lives through modern medicine. Some people thought that they should have the answers to everything.

Cameron: That answer is 42.

Maybe that was where Chase's 'I must do better' budded from, but it was most likely from the competition he had with his father who was a famous doctor. It had to be hard living in the shadow of Rowan Chase.

House: You know, I just realized that Chase’s dad has the same first name as Olivia’s dad on Scandal.

Cameron: They are the same guy.

House: They do look very similar.

Even with the incident including Oscar Chase was unable to get over the fact that he wasn't able to rescue her. Cameron had come to terms with it . . . Chase just had a way of making everything his fault.
Mother being an out of control alcoholic? His fault because he couldn't fix her.

House: He should have called Olivia Pope… She can fix anything! This is going to be a theme now.

Lillian's horrid abuse? His fault since he couldn't fix his mother, which drove her to her horrible state of mind, and he would take his shame out on every obese person he met behind their backs.

Cameron: Their… large backs? I don’t know. I got nothing.

Ronald digging up Cecelia's grave? She wasn't even sure how he interrupted that to be his fault.

Chase: Interrupting cow – MOOO!

Cameron couldn't help but grieve for what Chase had gone through all of those years.
"Allison? Is everything okay?"
Cameron looked up to meet with the stunning features of her boyfriend.

Chase: I mean, I know I’m good looking, but that’s a bit much.

She couldn't tell by looking at him that he was in emotional anguish - he had a concerned look for her. He was on his crutches still feeling awkward steering himself around the house.

Chase: I just plain sound emo… even though it says she can’t tell? I am confused.

"You look upset," He stated worriedly.
"I'm okay," she whispered but couldn't manage the words, "Are you?" They were stuck somewhere deep in her stomach.
"Right. You're nearly in tears over nothing, hm?" Chase reached out his warm hand touching her chilly face.

Cameron: Oh crap, my face melted.

He had meant for a touching moment but one of his crutches slipped out from underneath him, falling to the floor, and he had to use Cameron to hold himself up.

Cameron: Seriously?

"You're so clumsy," said Cameron with a shaky voice and a dark chuckle. Cameron wanted to tell the truth about her worry for his emotional being, and knew some was her hormones getting to her, but she blurted out, "I'm upset because you won't cry for yourself, Chase. Even a couple days ago, or when you spoke about Lillian, you never cried. Why? I want to know why you'll cry for anyone else but you."

Chase: Makes me want to CRYYYYYYY

Cameron: Followed by a performance from Tears for Fears.

"I . . . Allison, it's the middle of the night. You're tired. Let's go to bed."
Cameron picked up his crutch letting himself balance himself again. She then snapped, "Don't blame this on exhaustion. I'm serious!"

Cameron: Sirius Black!

"Fine. I'm going back to bed." He left rejected and didn't want to put up with the emotional baggage he had tried to store away where no one would ever think to bring it up again.

Cameron: You are past the one check, one carry-on limit my friend.

"Chase, I'm sorry." Cameron apologized following him into their bedroom. "I guess I don't understand your unwillingness to confront your past."
"Maybe I have a lot to do in the present?" He suggested before he set aside his crutches and crawled into bed underneath the warm blankets. "I told you about Lillian and my problems thinking you would lay off."

House: Will he ever stop whining?

Chase: All signs point to “no”.

Cameron sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. She was at a loss for what to say next. "I'm one of those people that think confronting your past, and dealing with it, will help with the here and now. I wish you would talk about your mother. What was she like? What were her problems?"

Chase: She had a lot of problems.

Cameron: Not like anyone we know.

"You need to stop, Allison," said Chase harshly. She was prowling into dark territory. "Don't try and fix what isn't broken."
Then the conversation she had with House came like a heavy load of bricks into her thoughts. Did she really have a knack for trying to mend someone's wounds? Kindness was second-nature to her so she could see it becoming annoying from time to time. Cameron was genuinely concerned but Chase didn't want her to intervene. Sometimes she knew that she should keep her mouth shut which had to happen more often so Chase wouldn't get to upset.

House: She should have given up at least a few hundred pages ago. This broken bird needs to fly away by himself. For the love of God and all that is holy in the aviary.

"You're right," Cameron said climbing underneath the sheets. Chase turned to stare her in the eyes. "Sorry. I shouldn't try to pry about your Mom."

Cameron: Yes I should. What if you have some Norman Bates thing going on? Think of all Marion could have avoided.

Chase: Actually, she did ask about his mom and that’s what stirred him up. She even mocked him in the book.

"The past is in the past. There's no point in bringing it up now, right?"
Cameron was going to bring up Cecelia but the words became stuck in her throat and all that came out was a sigh. This was a time to keep quiet. Bringing up their dead daughter would only cause more controversy to stir. She nestled up to Chase who welcomed the affection. The warmness of their bodies together made them realize how lucky they were to have one another.

Chase: Warm Bodies! Zombie time.

At seven in the morning their doorbell rang. Groggy, and annoyed by the sudden awakening, Chase was first to get up and hobble towards the door. He figured he should walk on his leg more often since it had been a four days since he had been shot. Maybe it seemed to someone else that he was pushing it but he hated being on crutches.

Chase: In this story, I don’t think there’s anything that I don’t hate.

Now he understood how House felt about being pitied because of his cane. Cameron rose and walked down the hall to meet with Chase and a police officer.
"Allison, this is Officer Progrem," Chase introduced the older gentlemen who tipped his hat to her. "He's here about-"

Chase: Program?

House: We now return to your regularly scheduled Progrem.

"Cecelia?" Cameron eagerly interrupted.
"That's right, ma'am," Progrem said. "You two might want to take a seat first."
They sat down on the sofa while the officer stood. From the troublesome look in his eyes they realized immediately it was not good news.

House: That’s the way to do the varsity drag!

"First I would like to give my condolences for your loss. I'm sorry that someone had the audacity to do such a thing. I don't know if either of you are religious but I'm sure that the little girl is at peace up in heaven right now.
As for this plane of reality there is not much more than we can do except stitch her back together."

Chase: Uh what?

"What?" Chase snapped. "How bad is it?"
"We believe it was an attempt to get rid of the bodies. He had mutilated all of five of the children and threw them in the garbage. He said he panicked."

Cameron: But I mean… the funeral’s over so…?

"Oh my God," whispered Cameron, absolutely disgusted. "If I ever see him again . . . !"
"I know," said Chase rubbing his leg which hurt mildly. "I'm sorry."

Chase: I’m mildly sorry.

"Me too," Cameron said. "What kind of human being would do such a thing?"
Progrem took a seat in a rocking chair kitty-corner to the couch.

Chase: Isn’t it caddy-corner?

Cameron: There was a kitty in the corner.

Chase: Meow.

He said, "I know it won't ease your pain but his daughter was dying. She need a new liver and his insurance company was taking their time debating on whether they should pay for the surgery. He didn't have the money, and he nor his wife's family had the cash to pay for it, so in a desperate attempt he robbed five children's graves at random."

Chase: Randomly selected random graves.

"I hate to say it but I feel sorry for him," Cameron spoke in a shaky voice. "I mean, I will never forgive him, but I can understand how someone can be driven to the edge and do crazy things to . . ." her voice drifted away unable to finish her sentence.

Cameron: But how would digging up corpses even work? This is some weird Frankenstein stuff.

"Save your child," Chase muttered. "I know the feeling. If I had the slightest chance, no matter how tiny, I could have given a limb to keep Cecelia alive. I just can't imagine though making someone else suffer to save my child's life. I don't think I could do that."
"Neither could I," agreed Progrem. "I have two boys myself. Twins. They're the center of my life. I can't imagine going through what you two have."

House: He mixes them up regularly and they just don’t have the heart to tell him.

"Atleast we have another chance," Cameron rubbed her stomach.
"Boy or girl?" asked Progrem.
"Boy," Chase answered proudly.
"Have fun with that. Boy's can be hellions," he chuckled. "I'm glad to see though that you two haven't been torn apart by the tragedy of loosing a child. Not many people can manage that."

House: Yeah, cause Chase is doing so well.

The couple put on a smile, wrapping their arms around eachother.
Then Cameron asked the difficult question. "Will she be recognizable?"

House: She is dead! The funeral is over! I mean were you planning on digging her up and looking at her?

"The good news is she was not maimed beyond recognition. I don't want to go into details about her injuries, unless you want to know." When they looked at eachother, silently questioning eachother, they shook their heads in unison. "Alright. She and the other children are going to be buried again tomorrow at five AM. I hope you both will be there."

Chase: They’re not exactly injuries if she’s already dead?

"We'll be there of course. I just don't know if I can take seeing her sewn together like . . . like some rag doll!" Chase snapped in frustration.
Progrem laid his worry to rest. "When you arrive she will already be in her coffin. Parents who do want to see their child will be allowed to."
Cameron nodded. "What's going to happen to Ronald?" She asked curiously. She could feel Chase's hand squeeze her's roughly at the mention of the name.

House: He’s being switched over to Burger King.

"He's fighting it, trying to get a not guilty by reason of temporary insanity, something surely his lawyer brought up in a spur of the moment. But don't worry we have too much evidence, and too many eye witness's, so there is no way he is going to make it out of that courtroom without a good sentencing."
"Sicko," hissed Chase under his breath.
Cameron squeezed his hand. "Atleast she's being returned to her resting place."
"Anything else?" Chase asked the officer.
Progrem shook his head. He stood up, shook both of their hands saying, "I wish you both luck with the newborn. Take good care of that leg, sport. God Bless."
After the officer left they both sat, not sure how to re-act. Happy? Sad? Angry? Vengeful?
Maybe the best reaction would be paying respects the next day and move on with their lives.
A/N: I know this one is a tad short but the PROPOSAL in the next chapter should incite you to come back, eh?

House: And that’s all there is… There is no more. Hey, that’s a song!

Chase: Thank you for joining us for Chase Hates Fat People. I kind of wished I could have been less of an asshole by the end.

Cameron: And I never popped out this kid… Alas.

chocolate_frapp: Genius at Workchocolate_frapp on August 14th, 2015 03:27 pm (UTC)
I assume House was being sarcastic, I can't see him liking Nickelback.
"Not as fresh as"--either Chase is in a douche ad or he's a loaf of bread.
She mistook House for Superman??
God, this fic is terrible. Your MST is awesome though. Hope you do another one.
Mrs. Mercurysydpenguinbunny on August 14th, 2015 03:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you! And haha, yes, House is not a Nickleback fan :P (Nor am I, considering that song in particular used to play in my retail establishment every...single...day.)

:D Yess, I shall have to see what some good contenders are. Preferably really old stuff considering everyone has to start somewhere and I don't want to discourage anybody. I know my early fics were a trip - I specifically remember one where Jonathan Davis from KoRn hung out with all my friends haha! :D
chocolate_frapp: Hugh Blue Eyeschocolate_frapp on August 14th, 2015 04:54 pm (UTC)
I hate the Paula Cole song "I Don't Want to Wait" with the fire of a thousand suns and I used to work in a place that played it EVERY DAY so I know exactly how you feel.
You never read the M*A*S*H fic I wrote when I was 12. (I must be hardwired to like smartassy doctors.) Yee gods, it was embarrassing.
zehakai37zehakai37 on August 24th, 2016 02:50 am (UTC)
and now, I started reading this.